EDIT MADE MAY 8, 2010 - I am going through different pages on the website and updating content for the first time in months. This blog however I will only update by adding below it the links to the sites and/or pages that I update and respond from with more frequency - then I read it and realized...it is still as true today as it was the day I wrote it originally in November 2009...so I didn't write a new blog for this page - just updated it with links...if you haven't read it yet - please do.

I don't usually do relationship blogs...I leave those to people like my homegirl Ashley Charisma that I think do it better. I stick to what I think I do best, that's politics and poetry (with a dash of NBA lol). I've always discussed my feelings on paper in poetry far better than I've ever managed to when speaking...lately though I don't think I am doing either medium any justice - with all the talking that I do for a living and beyond it's the things I mean to say that never get said that probably hold the most true.

I had a conversation with a woman not too long ago, she told me she dated a few Pisces women before and that what she had to learn most of all about us was that it's not that we're lying - when we say something we mean it in that moment, but our feelings change so fast that we might not mean it later...still we meant it very much when it was spoken. I think that is not only true of the things that I say, but also of the things that I feel and write (especially in the poems). I mean everything I said I did when I wrote it...only by the time it gets to you I am thousands of moments removed from it and I'm running on fumes trying to recreate it for you. Does that make sense to anyone else but me?

Ok so I can see where it makes it very difficult to trust me. Something I never had to confront until this year with the ex that is now like one of my best friends. He didn't understand me at all and when he tried it was very difficult to string moments together and see any thing clearly. It hurt at first because nothing is worse than when you actually try to explain yourself, reveal what you feel, etc and the person doesn't get it at all - and yet people you don't even try with do! But in time it became painfully obvious that he really didn't get me at all and it wasn't even because he wasn't trying...we just didn't work that way together. Still everything I ever wrote about him was true then...therefore to me still being true now though I don't mean them anymore. In other instances I have stretched poetic license and written about things that were not true in any moment for me - just because I can.

It's that duality that too adds to the apprehension. You constantly want to know which I meant and which I didn't and I have watched it on numerous occasions turn into a search for oneself within my spirit by attempting to over translate my every word.

But those that know me they also understand me, and when I'm talking to them - what makes me crazy, sexy, cool, whatever to you....is normal me. I'm a principled person, little things make a world of difference to me, there are things that I would never do and that list is motivated by a belief that you reap what you sow & God is watching, I have few gray areas but am so moody I often jump from black to white and it can be confusing at times, and with faith in me and what remains consistent - I'm good to you, I talk to you, I am honest about how I feel with you, I am willing to work with you - I can be learned if not instantly understood, but it can not happen without faith.

My husband had all the faith in the world in me and I often times didn't feel like I deserved it. Now I have learned that it was the most valuable thing that we had - the faith that the other one would always be there, that there were lines we would never cross, that anything could be fixed or worked out even if it looked impossible, that all we needed to figure anything out were each other on the same team even if not always on the same side. The ex that is the friend now never had any faith in me...now I can say definitively what I need to make something work.

I'm not going to always make sense to you because I don't always make sense to myself. I'm not going to be able to be the bigger person all of the time but I do not believe in kicking someone when they are down so I won't make you feel worse when things are already a mess. I'm not going to always want to be around - there will be times that I just need to be with me - it's not personal but it is necessary for my sanity. I'm not as complicated once you are looking from the inside out.

All this rambling had a point when I started??? Thought I was going to say something on my latest interest etc...but nah - those words will come together in time to him...these are the words I been meaning to say to myself & you got a front row seat...

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As of late I have been going through a multitude of emotions. One minute I love what I do and I am sure that it is for me, the next I think it a burden as a result of gifts I have that I didn't want or ask for. There are as far as I can see consequences that come with having or being given power. People often tell me that I don't accept compliments well, that is because I don't do or say anything that I do in search of praise. To some degree it sickens me...I know what comes of those that are truly influential. I do not want to be a martyr for any cause or movement, which by default you become if you are the voice of any group - such as the position I find myself in. Sadly, it is not a role that I have happily assumed. For years I attempted to harness the power of my presence for no other reason than to stop it, my Creator has shown me that no matter what I never will be able to.

I recently met a man that told me that he'd studied how to be different, how to break norms...a part of me is fascinated by that in that he has studied how to be what I am naturally - but don't want to be. I deep inside of myself, dislike the fact that when I speak rooms get silent and people of all ages listen to me....dislike it very much. I dislike that people that I admire - admire me. Maybe not so much dislike as physically feel some kind of way, I get queazy and uneasy. My desire had always been to blend in and NOT stand out, but I never did master that. If I am silent than people will come to remark about my looks, if I speak than they are struck on some level by how or what I said, if I write they still are touched by me...though I didn't intend to touch them.

I find myself in a place that says that what I want and what I was made for can not peacefully coexist and as a result must compromise. I have done my part by some degree as there is a site and I do the radio show...though truth be told I didn't want to be here - but I am and because of the capacity of my heart, I will do what I can to further US, however, if I could have given this influence to someone that I know that has a desire to be a factor of change I would. Since I can not and these experiences are my own, my testimony is my own, my wisdom is divine...I will - begrudgingly.

Do not judge me for that please.

I watched from history's point of view as time and goals destroyed those that were of my ilk. I watched them destroy themselves before the forces that sought to do so anyway succeeded. I have never in my life had a desire to be great at anything and still I excel at all that I do. Fearful more of making my child an orphan than I am of what will come of you.

Only now...

understanding that what I do for you - will shape what he perceives his role in tomorrow to be. Pardon me if I am late...understand why I came so purposefully...then pray for me.

`

So since the last blgo post I got teh column and had it taken back...can't say it didn't upset me because it did, I'm not one that can be dolled out consequences without explanation and it go over well. But oh well...it's gone so that's that right?

So far as I know I still write for eXcapethematriX Magazine and BmoreNews.com so all is not lost...plus we have this nifty site that I could write on daily if I so chose right? right?

Well if only my emotions were on the same page...I have been writing and haven't sent a thing to a soul...I'm like that. I decide all my work is crap and forget that all artists are their own worst critics and start deciding I don't have anything worth distribution. I am sure it is frustrating to those that work with me or are close to me as a person. I'd apologize but...it's who I am and I have so many other flaws to work on first.

School started last yesterday so I am doing that, have almost all article submissions for first magazine for launch..but still pushing it back so that I can get it straight - my grandfather told me you don't half ass nothing so I won't launch until it's perfect by my standards....

anything else?

don't think so....

Today was a beautiful day! The sun is shining, I covered a fantastic parade, and it is the Playoffs. What more could one really ask for on an ordinary Saturday in April? Yesterday I received word that I would be getting my own column with the Examiner. This Sunday will be the last Byrd's Nest post on Hassan's page and beginning this week I will be writing daily on my own page. This news kicked off my weekend on a good note after a week of ups and downs.

This week I will be moving the Moore's Ford Mission Project to the article on The Examiner, the pieces will be shorter but will come daily, to begin I will repost those that are already complete. Also we will be covering Jovan Roseboro's Moratorium On Selfishness as he walks from Fayetteville, NC to Washington D.C. over the course of 15-20 days, he began on April 23rd and is making great progress thus far.

There's so much more ahead but I don't want to spoil it all...just stay tuned and make sure you have created your account on www.catalinabyrd.com because there's so much going on it's the only way to keep up these days

I started this campaign for peace and justice just 3 days ago now, today I received an email from a film maker in GA that had heard about my efforts on behalf of the victims of Moore's Ford and wanted to thank me. I was blown away by that alone - that he'd taken the time out of his busy day to send ME an email. As I continued to read, the last sentence brought tears to my eyes as I realized that it never dawned on me that the couples had children. Essentially left orphans by this terrible crime. This mission resonated within my spirit that much more when he told me that he intended to share the link for the poem with Roger's son, now a Pastor. My son too is the child of a murdered father...my heart sank even lower.

I took Sunday off for much needed personal rest, I won't be able to give the cause my very best if I do not take care of myself and allow my body to rest when it must and mind. This evening I will write 3 pieces for the mission project. One for Sunday, one for today, and one for tomorrow because it is my son's 6th birthday and I will be doing the mommy thing all day except for the 2 hours that Hassan and I tape The Reporter's Roundtable, and I take a moment to visit Bernard's grave with his mother (he and Shawn share the same birthday). His children too are in the same boat as my son and Roger's son.

There's a reason that God made me cross paths with the woman that brought me to this cause I think, I thought so all along but wondered (or doubted rather) whether or not I was the right person, but today's revelation was my confirmation. God brought me to this place and to this cause for a reason. Not only will this help to bring healing to a community in Georgia, I believe that when all is said and done - I too will be a bit more healed than I am now. I just have to do this with pure heart and genuine desire to aid in the effort for peace and justice. I pray that I don't let anyone down, especially not my deceased loved ones or those that I write on behalf of.

Can't believe it never dawned on me at all to ask whether or not they had children. Now I intend to find out if he is the only one or if there are others. In the meantime I send prayers up for them all.