There are many phases and stages of this widow shit, as I am learning I have not transcended through them all yet - and these days I am starting to think that I never will. Each time I come to grips with some new facet of my life as it is now....there is another brick wall painted to look like a lesson blocking me and happiness from getting together on the same stage again. The whole fucking process makes you just want to stay put in whatever stage you find yourself in now and say fuck the rest. For real. Today I woke up there...and on today I do not wish to break down not another damn wall - feeling better is never on the other side, I think they just tell you that so you smile instead of cry cause no one likes to see someone in pain. It really has nothing to do with actual healing. More so making comfortable the people left around you for the time that you have left.
When Byrd died, everyone that knows me knows that I lost it. There is no pretty way to put it....I lost my mind. I shut myself in the house for 4 months and the only people I talked to were on the internet. Somedays were so bad I had to ask my brother to keep my son away from me, because the sight of his face made me ill. I love my son with all my heart, but he looks, acts, and sounds just like his daddy. His very existence in those times was salt in an open wound and I couldn't deal. Bernard tried to help but I was too far gone at the time and I hurt him in the process of him trying to help me. I live with that every day now that he too is gone. I wasted the last year he and I had together trying to "fix" me. I thought if I got married again, didn't matter to who that it would make my life fall back into place. I was wrong, I know that now. So in that year I learned the following:
1. I could not replace Byrd, he was the only one and no other man is going to be to me what he was
2. Byrd and Bernard may have loved me as I was and for who I was, but I may still have to make changes in me to be with someone else in the future
3. Loving someone else (new) does nothing to diminish how much I miss them both everyday...in fact it just complicates the emotions.
Once I thought I had a good grasp of these things I decided that I probably wouldn't ever get married again, the notion pained me. Beyond all my talents, I think that I was made to be a wife. Aside from being a mother it is the only thing that I can do that makes me feel good and like I have a purpose. I'd trade my gift with words and politics to have my life back and be what felt like the best of me again. I've come pretty close but something always made it go awry and I still have the gifts and no husband. The way I was raised family came before all else - before work, before play, before everything but God and voting. I don't have one anymore. I want my life back.
I met someone in the most recent weeks, his voice hauntingly is almost exact to that of Byrd's. He could talk to me, and with me, about any and everything. I can honestly say I fell in love in less than a week - didn't alarm me because Byrd and I had too. But soon after the emotions began to produce faster and more abundantly beyond my control, he decided that we weren't a good match. Though he says he loves me, he doesn't think that we will be happy together - though he admits to not being happy that we're not, and I'm not...he's saving us from some much more dismal end in his mind by ending us now. Before I met him I had resigned to the notion that I wouldn't marry again and was looking into sperm banks as an alternative to having more children. But we made plans to have a family, he understood my mourning, and even me I thought. Well maybe he didn't - maybe I just thought he did. I don't know. All I know is that I am at the brink of everything everyone ever said my career was supposed to be. And I couldn't feel more alone than I do now. I miss my husband and Bernard....I miss the new dude too as he changed how we interact when he decided we weren't a good match. But no one understands what I am feeling it seems but me. Tired of trying to explain...I give up. Instead I will say this:

I used to be - not so long ago a wife. I reveled in making dinner and being there to support the dreams of my husband. I want my life back....this one I am living - I don't know who it belongs too but I wish she'd come get it. Tell her I'll ghostwrite if she need...but I want to be back in the arms of a man that loves me, understands and supports me, helps me to grow inside....making and raising babies. Tell her cause I want my life back....and I will no longer accept these awful imitations being offered as substitutes to life as I know it. I am not a workaholic and won't be...I am not a celebrity....I am not even really a damn journalist...I JUST WRITE....and this writer wants her life back like YESTERDAY!

Lord have mercy on my soul please