As of late I have been going through a multitude of emotions. One minute I love what I do and I am sure that it is for me, the next I think it a burden as a result of gifts I have that I didn't want or ask for. There are as far as I can see consequences that come with having or being given power. People often tell me that I don't accept compliments well, that is because I don't do or say anything that I do in search of praise. To some degree it sickens me...I know what comes of those that are truly influential. I do not want to be a martyr for any cause or movement, which by default you become if you are the voice of any group - such as the position I find myself in. Sadly, it is not a role that I have happily assumed. For years I attempted to harness the power of my presence for no other reason than to stop it, my Creator has shown me that no matter what I never will be able to.

I recently met a man that told me that he'd studied how to be different, how to break norms...a part of me is fascinated by that in that he has studied how to be what I am naturally - but don't want to be. I deep inside of myself, dislike the fact that when I speak rooms get silent and people of all ages listen to me....dislike it very much. I dislike that people that I admire - admire me. Maybe not so much dislike as physically feel some kind of way, I get queazy and uneasy. My desire had always been to blend in and NOT stand out, but I never did master that. If I am silent than people will come to remark about my looks, if I speak than they are struck on some level by how or what I said, if I write they still are touched by me...though I didn't intend to touch them.

I find myself in a place that says that what I want and what I was made for can not peacefully coexist and as a result must compromise. I have done my part by some degree as there is a site and I do the radio show...though truth be told I didn't want to be here - but I am and because of the capacity of my heart, I will do what I can to further US, however, if I could have given this influence to someone that I know that has a desire to be a factor of change I would. Since I can not and these experiences are my own, my testimony is my own, my wisdom is divine...I will - begrudgingly.

Do not judge me for that please.

I watched from history's point of view as time and goals destroyed those that were of my ilk. I watched them destroy themselves before the forces that sought to do so anyway succeeded. I have never in my life had a desire to be great at anything and still I excel at all that I do. Fearful more of making my child an orphan than I am of what will come of you.

Only now...

understanding that what I do for you - will shape what he perceives his role in tomorrow to be. Pardon me if I am late...understand why I came so purposefully...then pray for me.

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