Hey you...
going on 3 years now
your son just shed his first tears
only now is it catching up
to his understanding
how fast all this was...

like I been knowing all along -
crying while I listen to this song...

remembering when you put me on to him
now he one of them
those that they consider vets
but you never saw get they stripes
tears fall and you not here to wipe
so I put pen to paper
and pretend that with life
I ain't got no gripes...

but really -
deep down...

I'm tired of overcoming
grown bout sick of forgiving
and forgetting gets harder
with every breath I take
more and more purposeful
are these humans looking
with their mistakes
and I...

just want my angel back -
to lay my head safely
in your lap...

let all the rest of this go
I've proven I can continue
so can this be the end
of whatever the test wanted
to see me do?
cause I am tired now...

tears fall like rain
and I never see em coming...

I don't like who I am without you
and liking even less who I see me
becoming...

but I know you can't come back -
if it was in your control
you'd have never left...

so I'm here trying to hold onto
all that you helped make
my best...

been a long time
since I wrote to you -
but even when I'm away in words
I'm always with you baby...

I just been overwhelmed by the quest -
for what life has left...

*I'm in a zone on some personal ish...just feel me if you in the same space or also an artist...or just stop reading now

Hey you,
that my sun rises
from the ashes in
that is my soul..

truth be told -

I don't want to leave you
I just...

never learned how to
love something more
than I love myself
and we getting there...

you fade away into my stare
speak of me as if I'm not there
when she calls
but I know -
it ain't like that...

She just rides for you
like a girlfriend -
I know...
she knows she's not
right?

I got it
and again goodnight...

I'll wake to make your breakfast
to the tune of you wishing her
a good day and afternoon
telling her you love her
before you part
because it's not supposed
to break my heart

I feel you...

Mr. Free Agent you are

and me...not by far
but truth be told neither
is she

"we"

share you

and I am supposed to feel like
more than the chic on the side
swallow my pride
and continue with you on this ride -
right?

lost track of the days months ago
now I just say "goodnight"
because if I ask the questions
in my heart
than it will start a fight
so I take all my might
and swallow them
into sweet dreams...

as if you even knew what it meant -
to play for a team
insteada just recruiting...

you love me too -
I know...
that ain't what I'm disputing...

it's the rest,
it's the test,
it's the consuming of
all my best
with nothing you willing to invest...

that got me
ready to lick wounds
and tat over scars
cause by far
as beautiful as you are
I still
and always will
love me more

and cause you won't
it'll be why
you watch me walk out the door

with nothing to say
anymore

at this point -
what for???

I love you too much
To lie to you
To make you feel better...

I know the truth hurts -
I know me unexpectedly
Reflecting images of you
Hurt too...

I love you too much
To pretend the face you see
Has been disfigured by time
As has your spirit -
You see what you want to...

I can't live in the world
Of what you remember
Cause in my world
I still remember what you said -
And believed in it...

Even when it wasn't true -
Playing the fool
Cause that's what lovers do
But I love you too much
To be one...

Too much to
Let you make me hate you
So you can feel alive
Thru the pain...

Too much to
Sugarcoat jagged little pills
Of doses of your own medicine...

Too much to
Be near and not
Want to help you heal
And nurse your wounds...

But injured things are vicious
And you knaw at my
Better angels
Summoning the spite
Of my ill tempered youth
With every scratch against
My good intentions...

And I love you too much
To let you be the death of me -
Because that's a truth

That would kill you

You were
my great escape
an alternate reality
that really felt good
with you I could
smile more sincere
and close both eyes
without fear
I liked it there
something like safe
it quickly became
my favorite place...

Meanwhile -
back at my life
it's loose ends
looking to be tied
blowing in the wind
broken hearted and
telling they mama's how
I used to be a better friend
never thought that
would ever come to an end
and all the while
I know it but
I ain't ready to talk yet
so it seems better
to let you think
I forgot...

I didn't though
laying with him
dreams haunted
by the lies I told
to lay with him
and not have to
turn the phone on silent
to keep it from ringing
in the wee hours of the night
putting out my mind
what I moved so it was
out my sight
and someplace they couldn't find me
cause they think they can still
make things right....

They can't though
they never stood a chance
I was using them too
running from what I'm
supposed to do
really meant some of it
but only to a select few
the rest never loved me
cause all of who and what I am
they ain't have a clue...

You see though
you that I run to
you that I can't get away from
but know I have to let go
cause this ain't a place for me
I ain't a fool -
I always could see
still I needed to feel
what being here let's me be
but the shadows keep callin
and little by little
I feel them makin the walls
start feelin like they fallin
but I know it ain't nothin
but what I ran from callin...

I wish I could take you with me
wish you were willing to come
apologize now if you miss me too much
and thank you for the vacation and such
but it's getting to be time
for me to go back where I came from...

Your arms feel like
what safe would be
if you could touch it
and I can breathe deeply
without regret or
second guess
so I fall harder
into your heartbeat
looking for
neverending peace
in a moment I pray
can be made to
last forever
in the imprint
of when my life
took form in the
illustration of
if I had my way
and grew
day by day...

I can't help
when in your arms
feeling like
I fit there
between the
rage and radiance
balancing brilliance
am I centered
by the air
that is
you...

And when
I'm in your arms
I find purpose
beyond my skin
lay bare
all that is too
within
and rest
take slow breaths
find my way back
to my best
my purest...

so I can
get up
again.